BEING A FATHER IN THE MIDST OF DOUBT

I got fired on Monday.

I guess in a normal circumstance that might be the dagger, but in mine it’s actually kind of the ambulance. Let me try to explain what that even means.

First off, this job was less than the dream. I might speak too long, say some things I don’t want to (in public, that I’ll have to repent for) if I don’t just leave it at that, but suffice it to say, it wasn’t satisfying in any personal or professional manner. I’m not hung up on it, so to lose the job is a bit of a shoulder shrug. It’s not the dagger.

Losing this job reveals more than it takes away, and I think that has been the recurring theme for me across my career. I have the darndest time balancing commerce and creativity. My problem is that I don’t find ‘things’ to be that important. For instance, at this job I took product photos for a ton of companies selling on Amazon… do we really need another state of the art toaster? Is this world incomplete without the stack of grilling utensils we just got? I mean, the next project on my plate at that place was a box of dildos. C’mon, folks.

We can do some gymnastics and figure out that me using my skills in creativity is a blessing to those who are chasing their dream selling the next microwave that is touch screen and yadda yadda, but if we’re honest with ourselves for a moment, are we really adding that much to this world if that’s our best? We continually confuse want with need, and in a society that rewards the former and scoffs the latter, it’s truly hard to find the balance. My problem is that I doubt my service to the “need” will be enough to survive, so I have to hedge bets and provide for the “wants” by taking gigs that aren’t my jam - and losing another one of those gigs reinforces how damaging that is, how destructive that is to purpose and value. It shows me that I am running away from something I care about by attempting to save me from myself. It’s the ambulance.

Wah wah, I get it. So what does that have to do with being a dad?

Have you heard the notion “I want my kids to see me pursuing my dreams so they will have the courage to pursue theirs?” If you haven’t, then you haven’t been on LinkedIN, or any social media, enough.

All kidding aside, isn’t that it though? Don’t we want to be an example of perseverance for those little eyes staring up at us? How best can we lead if not by doing? So, buddy boy, if you continue to run away from what you think (*ahem KNOW) is true, what are you showing your kid? I wrote that last sentence to myself.

Look, before I get way too ahead of myself, yes I get it. Priorities and dreams are not the same thing. Providing for your family, sacrifice, dying to yourself, there are a lot of examples to set for your kid besides saving the world with your art or something. This isn’t a conversation that’s summed up in a 5 minute blog post. We’re on the same page, I promise.

BUT.

Let me just argue this - when your conviction challenges you to something important, don’t run away. Don’t hedge the bet because the payoff looks daunting, invest in something that puts you in a position closer to that payoff.

Let me try to say that in a less woo-y way. I’ll speak from my current experience.

One day I’m going to have to tell Brayden why I did or didn’t attempt to do the thing I cared about. He’s going to get a prompt at school to “ask your parents if they ever achieved their goals” or something like that, and I’m going to have to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. “No, Bray, I had to give up on some of the things that I really wanted in order to make sure we could pay our bills.” “Well, bud, yeah I guess you could say that. At one point I had to throttle back on the dream a bit so we could prioritize some of the bills and stuff we had, but instead of totally switching gears, I just broke that goal down into little bits and pieces and inched there. Eventually those inches added up, so I guess I’ve achieved it, but it definitely didn’t look like I thought it would.”

You tell me which one you’d like to say to your son on that day.

So I sit here this week reminded again that I’ve been waiting for the right moment to put in the work, but instead I’ve given a ton of my emotional energy to places that want me to style a box of dildos, metaphorically and literally speaking. I’ve doubted my ability to provide through my effort supporting those convictions, and I’d say that parenting style isn’t the greatest. Instead, my next move is to start inching towards that thing. It would be sick to make leaps and bounds and find the pinnacle of success in a matter of moments, but what ever happens like that? Nada. I know. I know.

I can be a father in the midst of doubt by showing this boy there’s always room to do what you know is right, even if it takes longer to do.

__________

LOL.

I finished writing this blog and started inputting all the SEO stuff like tags, and needed to search for a featured picture. It’s sometimes hard to figure out a great photo to put to a blog, how do you encapsulate the message in a way that isn’t too on the nose but is still enticing?

I thought hey, this whole thing about dildos is kind of funny but I’d rather not just have one as the main image, so what might work better is an eggplant. Like the emoji.

Inputted eggplant into the search bar and came up with the masterpiece you see donning the blog page now. There’s this story about an artist at an exhibit who wanted to troll all of the hoity-toity artsy farts by taping a banana to a wall as one of his art pieces. People stared at that stupid thing for hours and wrote articles about how brave and creative it was, and how much it had to say about the world… so if you can find me a better picture to represent this post on the balance of pursuing conviction of needs in a world where the want overpowers everything else… like shooting a box of dildos for Amazon.com… I will literally give you a million dollars. Shouts out to the person who made this image, hahahahaha I’m crying rn.