War and fathering
I didn’t grow up fascinated by the military. My dad collected some picture books of Nam that I muscled aside when I was looking underneath for old comics, but other than that, I didn’t really touch war.
We learned about words like “D-Day” and “Freedom” in school, but most all of my history teachers were uninterested in the youths, so my passion for any of the like dwindled quickly and spun out of traction before I even smelled a high school hallway. Mostly, “war” was just an idea to me, a fragrance that wasn’t really my cup of tea. I was ignorant of war and everything it carried with it, and right now I’m counting that as a blessing.
I just read “Lone Survivor” for the first time and have been listening to a TON of Jocko (the Jocko Podcast) for the last year or so, and my appreciation for what the military does (has, is, and will do) for me is growing exponentially. I just said I was ignorant, and I’m realizing how much pain, courage, suffering, trauma, elation, blood, sweat, tears, and more blood had to expend for me to have a chance at claiming such a word in my life.
A lot of the narrative these days is that war is bad. It’s filled with toxic masculinity, killing people is horrible, and we should just live in total peace and understanding with one another.
Check, check, check, aaaaaand check. I think Jocko would actually agree with most of that.
War is terrible. It’s not a good thing. Killing the enemy is not something to wish on anyone, and to be in those moments is to illicit some deep form of carnal masculinity not fit for 99.9% of the public sphere… but it’s 100% necessary. Why? Because:
Pure evil exists.
And if pure evil exists, it’s worth killing.
There’s a few reflections here that I’ve been marinating on since finishing Lone Survivor:
Pure Evil is worth killing. Should we take evil lightly? Should we slap it on the wrist and say “hey, don’t do that again?” Or do we kill it, cold blood, no remorse? Hard to say. Depends. Would you eat a piece of pie with just a little bit of shit in it?
The answer is no. But some might say, “well, could you pick around it? Could you just eat the crust or something?” The dances we do to try and not answer the hard questions are the bigger issues at play in life. We SHOULD NOT eat shit pie. WE SHOULD KILL PURE EVIL. Whatever, and however that looks like, pure evil should be eradicated. Period.
Of course, every situation deserves its own discernment. That’s the moral conundrum. Discernment is developed through discipline, the long hard road. Understanding nuance to life is cultivated on this road, it’s one we must walk with vigilance in order to know when to pull, or not pull, the trigger.
I remember texting my buddy Joel after reading the experience of “hell week,”: “Dude… I have to just be honest. I don’t think I could cut it as a Navy SEAL.” His response: “Join the long line of us, bud.”
I couldn’t cut it as a SEAL.
That hurts to say. I would wish to be able to be that strong, courageous, unrelenting. I just don’t think I could stand the fight of even hell week - and to have that doubt already is a major sign I wouldn’t make it. Makes me wonder what kind of man I would be in war as an infantry soldier…
Nonetheless, there are many, many men of valor who have taken up their arms to defend me and my freedom - something I haven’t signed up for - and for that, I’m humbled and grateful. My ignorance is a gift. I have all my limbs, I don’t have PTSD from war, I don’t have everything else it costs to join the military, I’m sitting here ruminating on what war means in a coffee shop with my latte and a Macbook Pro… I’m just fine. I’m not sure I did a single thing to claim that ease, and I’ll tell you, voting isn’t the same as strapping a bullet proof vest on and entering a hot zone by means of a rope from a helicopter.
It would serve us all well to take time and reflect on those around us who have accepted the calling to fight. We need to know what that means - even if we disagree with why.
As a father, how can I use the skills of a SEAL in my parenting? No, I will never be one, and I don’t claim that parenting is the same, but I would like to embody what that classification means when I approach the role of dad.
There are so many aspects that we could dive deep into, but a big key to being a SEAL is never giving up. Part of making it through that hell week is just not giving up, and that’s something I can take into parenting.
It’s not a secret that tons of dads give up these days. They check out. Maybe they fly the coop, maybe they just become emotionally unavailable, some retreat into work and lose physical touch with their family - it’s all the same thing. Giving up.
Parenting is emotionally and physically taxing. You just want the kid to stop chucking crap across the room after you’ve had a long day dealing with bs at work, and when one more handful of play-doh will send you over the top, take a step back, reassess, re-enter the fight, and keep going. We can all come to our wits end, that’s human, it’s an expectation of our humanness. I’d like to point back to the team of 4 on the side of the mounting falling back from the advancing Taliban… these dudes continued to battle after hurling themselves off cliffs, getting shot in the head and other areas, breaking bones and shattering vertebrae, they didn’t stop or give in. They kept going. Sometimes, you just have to keep going.
Look - I am not deaf to the fact that parenting is different than what happened to these four guys. I just want to make clear - the courage to battle through what they went through is a different level than play-doh, and I don’t want to belittle that. Just so we’re on the same page.
It’s ok to be a man, and it’s even more OK to be dad. We need both right now, and more than that, our children need us to be both. Throw the politics out for a minute - if you’re a father, you HAVE to defend that little one(s). They cannot defend themselves, and they look to you - the bigger, stronger, faster one in the room - to make sure they are safe whether that is physically or emotionally. You’re the last line for them, the one that is taking the shot, and the one who is giving it back. Just, c’mon.
Also, I couldn’t recommend “Lone Survivor” more. Please buy, rent, borrow this book and read it. Reflect on it.
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Thank you to the men and women doing the things that I’m not doing. It weighs heavy.