Caught a glimpse of myself

An excerpt of a note on my phone I re-read today:

“I need to make things that force people to look at truth and decide if they want to listen and respond. I don’t want to do anything else. Does that even exist right now for me or do I need to bear down and make money to float until I get there? That’s the question.

There’s this gnawing at me, like the hound of heaven has caught up finally. I see the invitation to eternal glory like I’m ready to board the boat for the holiday at sea. But it’s crazy to anyone that hears this. I feel like my heart is already living in eternity, but I’m stuck on this rock.

I feel the burden that everything I do must have an intention behind it, because most things in this world have weak intention. Mostly to gain audience, it’s a “me” thing. But I don’t want that, what I want is for people to feel something so deep that only deep can call back.

Keep your social media, I want you to stop resorting to ease and hear the groaning your body has been making to accompany your unspoken prayers. I’m trying to translate that groaning too deep for words.

I’m either crazy or called.“

That was from September 16, 2020.

May 9, 2022 I was weeping aloud almost verbatim these words while tucked in the driver’s seat on a pull off in the mountains somewhere. I take drives when I need to think, and boy did I need to think.

I’m a fool, I’ve been a fool for a long time, and if the pattern wears correctly, I’ll probably still be somewhat of a fool forever. I thank God for the grace to cover up my foolishness, it’s plentiful and overwhelming.

I didn’t recall how long ago I thumbed those words into the app, but 2 years seems shorter and longer at the same time than I remember. Nothing has changed, I still feel exactly this way, and why I’m a fool is because my slothfulness has kept everything the same. I haven’t toiled for this heart, I’ve only showed up to work jobs that I think will somehow give me security until I can have enough financial space to pursue these dreams.

I’m a rich young ruler.

I haven’t sold a dime’s worth of my own stuff to chase after faith - the burning in my own heart pointing me in the direction of wonder I so boisterously trumpet to anyone within earshot. I want to look like an explorer, a brave soul pioneering the path of righteousness when others would rather read about it in the news or watch a clip of it on YouTube, however here I sit for the last 2 years in my comfy sweats on the couch clutching another bowl of cereal knocking on dudes who have put in the time and work to achieve their dreams. I use dudes interchangeably, of course.

I have to unpack this for myself. Dreams can often be wrong. Often. Dreams as in desires, not sleepy adventures. Desires of the heart can lead even the most astute astray in worthless expedition; seeking gold yet returning with crapola. I watch a lot of YouTube channels of people throwing up episodes of how they “made it” and whatever, and a lot of it is bunk. It’s click bait in video form. Yet, there are some that really reflect a true north, a working of the hands, a getting dirty and developing the talents sort of effort, and those are the ones that sting the most when I scoff the loudest. They are doing it, and I’m watching them do it while getting pissy that I’m not doing my “it.” I’m a fool.

This entry into my phone was a fast reminder like a hard and sharp steel blade, I haven’t done it, and it’s been calling me still.

For the last 2 years I’ve taken 2 jobs with companies to pay the bills so I can try to make this dream work at some point, only to find myself jobless and in the same position I was when I was crying about the same stuff last time, probably on a similar pull off on a similar road in the mountains somewhere. It’s not pathetic, it’s more poetic. Here’s the blessing - I’m still here, and so is the dream. Through the hottest of fires over the last couple years, the chaff has been burnt away yet this dream has stood resolute, unmoving, hasn’t scarred or charred a bit. That has to account for something, and I’d bet it means I should gird up my loins and get to work finally.

I’m either called or crazy.

What’s the takeaway here? You reading this, what is my point besides blabbering on about how I suck and whatnot - it’s this: Learn from me. Don’t do as I say, do as I didn’t do. There’s something in you that just won’t go away, and you know… YOU KNOW that it isn’t a quick desire like “I want that candy bar right there,” no, YOU KNOW it’s deeper than that. It’s THAT thing that I want you to actually start doing. It’s that thing which I didn’t start doing (for realsies) until two years after I said I should probably do it. Plan it out, seek it, research, write, color, draw, paint, do a treatment, whatever you need to do, do it. Start. Then don’t stop until you need a true break to resume. I didn’t do it for 2 years, but I decided yesterday that I’d start, and the funny thing is that I am so fired up about doing “it.”

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What is “it?” you keep asking - yeah good question. It’s a bunch of projects I’ve had on the dashboard that explore those deep groanings of the soul. I’ve known that my heart is to meet people in those places with my gifts and abilities, and the ways that I feel like I can serve best is through artful projects that create spaces to interact with the groans. “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,” and I’ve spent a lot of time in that house, and sheesh is there a lot of wisdom and treasure there. It’s in woe that wonder can shine the brightest, and it’s in wonder where we understand the riches of woe.

This balance between two ends of a sliding scale is the Pilgrim’s progress, and I’ve spent a ton of time just not going there. I’ve lost a lot of faith, I’ve missed out on a ton of blessing because I’ve been so foolish to think I could control the swash of currents too powerful for me to ever understand by taking a couple jobs I thought could feed me. Thank you GOD for rebuking that. And thank you for feeding me while taking those jobs, because they did serve that end.

Yeah, projects I said. I have some stuff I’m working on that I hope is going to help put words to the things we try to avoid. It’s really hard to connect with things that make you want to hide in a pillow, but it’s my intention to draw into those tense atmospheres and see the beauty offered. Beauty isn’t fleeting when it’s from God. More on those things to come, for now just pray for me that I’m still doing the work. I don’t want to happen upon this blog post in two years on the side of a road somewhere in the mountains complaining that I have a dream that I want to chase.