What do you do with a restless heart?
What soothes this ailment? There’s a ton of band-aids available, simple ones like getting out of the house and more vicious ones like addictive activities - porn, smoking, drinking it away, whatever else - but is there a real solution to this condition?
The easy Christianese answer is “rest in the Lord.” Got it, I get it, I’ve heard that, I tried it a ton of times, but yet again I have this crippling anxiousness that I have to go somewhere without knowing that somewhere tangibly. It’s not FOMO, it’s like I’m missing a train. And also, do I have the right ticket for that train? And also, I’m on the platform but there’s about 10 trains here and in my frenzy I’ve realized I don’t know which one it is, where’s the number 7?!
You ever feel like that?
I’ve thought a lot about the masters of old, the things they dealt with and the things they never knew. They were busy trying to mix their supplies with the correct amount of pigment and not dying from a simple infection from the cut they got on their arm - I’m trying to curb my dependence on a smart phone and figuring out how to supplement dumbbell exercises when I don’t have the right weight available this minute. There’s a difference.
But then, there’s not. That’s the crazy thing.
Perspectives seem to shake out together. I can read the letters Van Gogh sent to his brother and immediately connect with who he was as a person, though not fully, enough to recognize that this restlessness is timeless and unrestrained by immediate circumstance. He struggled to know exactly what to do or where to go when things felt dizzy. To me, that’s more soothing than cracking a cold one because it lets me know I’m not alone - and therein lies what I think this restlessness points towards more than anything else.
Loneliness. This restlessness is a searching for companionship. Could be a person, could be a resolution to a desire you have, but I’m getting convinced the restless heart needs a companion to go with. Addictions and activities serve as companions, but fleeting ones, friends who blow with the wind. That’s why they never truly satisfy. SO what or who is this companion offered for the solution to this restless loneliness?
LOL I dont’ know. That’s my problem, and I bet it is yours if you’re connecting with this word vomit. I think the Christianese is often simply true - it’s God. It’s resting in him. It’s seeking him. It’s seeing him. It’s beholding who he is and what he offers. And I think it’s not as simple as just breathing in deep and letting it go softly, I think beholding him means action. My action is effortful, I’m putting pen to paper right now. That’s where I find a companionship, just doing the thing. Maybe for someone else it’s sitting in the sun and eating a banana. I do know that there is a time for everything under the sun, and there are many people under the same sun at different times, and I think the beauty that lies in that balance is why art matters.
A restless heart is a lonely heart. I’m sorry for that loneliness. I’m also excited at the notion there is a companion somewhere up there around the corner. I’ll keep going then.